EP8 – 2 Sons, 2 Dads, 2 Different Relationships
The mom was baffled, but once she read the book she understood why one son wouldn't talk to his dad and the other went to extraordinary lengths to visit his... and the shocking twist
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Welcome to this episode of I don't know Jack about parenting, where today I'm going to talk about how I spoke to a woman who had two different boys by two different fathers, but had two completely different relationships with those dads. One Boy, absolutely love dad and the other one absolutely despises his father and mom always questioned why she blamed herself. We're going to talk about that here in this episode.
I always uplifted and shared with each boy
Here we go. This is the episode where we got a mother who always questioned why her two boys had completely different relationships with their fathers. Now, two different fathers, same mom and mom always said, I always uplifted and shared with each boy to respect their dad, to love on their father, that their father created them and never showed anything but complete love towards these men even though the relationships didn't work out, uh, with her because that's what she believed to be right now. Her oldest son or her first son, his relationship with his father is the broken one.
He is in his late twenties, now, will not speak to his father, will not return his father's phone calls. His father was absent for a great deal of his life, didn't nurture and didn't love him, didn't do a lot of stuff. The other boy, the younger one, has a different relationship with his father even though his father fell on some hard times and ended up getting incarcerated for various reasons. Due to a substance abuse problem. This one is a teenage boy. Listen, a teenage child goes and visits his father in jail every single month. And his words to people are, I love my dad. I'm so glad he went through this challenge because he's taught me things not to do. I won't do some of the same things that my dad did, and every time I get an opportunity to go visit him, he tells me how proud he is of me and that, even though he's not around, he apologizes and tells me how much he loves me.
Her second husband did the majority of the things that I suggest
This particular woman reached out to me and share this with me simply because she read my book. That book's title is "be the dad you wish you had". See, she got a few chapters into this book and started realizing her second husband did the majority of the things that I suggest doing in the book. And her first husband, which doesn't have a good relationship with his child, didn't do these things. The very first chapter in the book talks about educate yourself. Find out everything it takes to be a good dad. You may not have had a great dad in your life, but it doesn't mean there's not opportunities to go seek this out via the Internet, via magazines, via movies, via whatever it may be books... You can go and research it.
The second one is skin to skin a very simple concept. They teach moms that as soon as the child comes out of the womb that the child should be put on the mother's chest, skin to skin, naked body to naked body cover the baby as though it's still in the womb and they could hear mom's heartbeat because it's new into this world and that's the safest sound it knows as it's known it for nine months or however long it's been in the womb.
That child was a text to his chest constantly
There's no reason that the child cannot not be comforted by dad's heartbeat also, and that the child should spend a significant amount of time on dad's chest. This woman shared with me that her husband, her second husband always walked around with his shirt off and that child was a text to his chest constantly as a baby. Makes a lot of sense. There's a lot of bonding going on there.
The other one she shared with me, and I don't want to divulge the entire book, is there's a chapter, I believe it's chapter five it the book, and it says, talk at eye level to your children. It's a sign of respect. Nobody wants to be talked down to or hovered over by a parent. Right? You feel intimidated. Do you ever been looked down upon? You feel intimidated. Subconsciously. It's an intimidating posture. You also don't want somebody looking over you, meaning as as a child.
Talk to them at eye level
You don't want to be looking over them because you actually feel superior subconsciously, so if you need it, talk to a child at any age, whether it's infancy, get down on tummy time and talk to them. Either I get them right here, talk to them eye to eye, but more importantly as they start to get a little bit older and they're walking age and talking age. Always when you need to have a serious conversation with your child or non serious, talk to them at eye level so that they feel un-intimidated. They feel safe and you always speak at a decibel that's very calm so that they can absorb whatever it is that you are sharing with them. And she said that her second husband always sat down with the kids, come sit at the table with me, let's talk. And whatever conversations they had it's a sign of respect, in order to get respect, you must give respect.
So you have two different fathers, two different boys, same mom, same household, essentially. One has an amazing relationship with his father and the other one does not. Now, what is the variable there? One father decided to pour into his child. One father decided not to. One father can't get his son to pick up his phone as he is a fairly young adult in his late twenties and the other one who is incarcerated... his son goes out of his way and, and I'll share this part because it's even more than he goes out of his way. His father is in a different state. He has to take an airplane to go see his father. He works a side job to save up money to go visit his father who's incarcerated because his father bonded with him, his father not only bonded with him, but he connected with him and through that connection, in that respect... even though his father has done something wrong that has allowed him to become incarcerated, this young man feels a strong desire to go and see his dad and not judge his father, but love his father despite his shortcomings.
You're probably going to want to blow over them
Now, I don't know about who you are who's watching this or listening to this, but if you're a mom or grandma or a sister who has a husband, a partner, uh, you know, uh, a son or a daughter who's a parent. Now, whoever you are, if you want your... the children in your life to have a strong connection with their parents in general. I wrote this book. It's so simple to read. The concepts are so simple. I say it in the book that you're probably going to want to blow over them. Like, of course I know that. Well, if you know it, the question is, are you doing it? You know that you should hug your kids every single day. You know you should say the words I love you without fail every single day. The question is are you consciously doing it or has it been a few weeks? I don't know, so I strongly encourage you to go to Be The Dad You Wish You Had.
Pick up your copy of the book for free. I'm going to pay for it. You just take care of the shipping and handling and really start to connect with those little people in your life in a way that makes them want to desire you in their teenage years. I say this in the book. My ultimate goal, and I hope it's a lot of other people's ultimate goal once they read the book, my ultimate goal is to have the respect of my adult children and there is no thing in the world that is going to stop me from doing that and the 40 lessons in this book are very significant in helping me achieve just that.
We'll see in the next episode.
About the Author
Ryan Roy is the father of two boys and on a mission to be the dad he wished he had... and to help other fathers be the best they can be too.
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