EP40 My Biggest Parenting Fear – Am I Enough
What is fear? It's NOT what most people think it is or what they first say. Look it up. Then give your children what they need most and everything will be fine. You can do this.
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Welcome to this episode of I don't know Jack about parenting where today I want to talk about my biggest fear as a parent.
Hey, welcome back to this episode of I don't know Jack about parenting, where today I'm going to talk about my biggest fear of being a parent. My biggest fear, and I'm imagining a lot of dads, maybe a lot of Moms, I bet you a lot of moms not even maybe is, am I enough? Am I going to be good enough? Am I gonna make enough money? Am I going to be smart enough? Am I going to be loving enough? So the fear is in just one thing to my. Enough of all of those things, my well rounded enough to impact this person in a positive way. Am I healthy enough to sustain this thing we call life to always be around and then the what ifs because when we live in fear, let me talk about fear for a little bit of the. I've never mentioned this on the podcast, but I'll mention it now. I am by trade a life coach like I don't know Jack about parenting, but I know a little bit about people and we're all made up of the same stuff. We all have the same emotions. We all have the same challenges. We all live in a place of fear and those people who are successful in however they define success, however you define success, they all had the same fears, that differences. They kept moving forward through their fears despite having them and I, if I were to say, define fear. As you're listening and I'm going to say it to you, the listener, and let me give you a moment and think about it.
Is fear something that's presently happening
I say, Hey, what's the definition of fear in anybody who's ever really looked at fear or heard a talk around fear? A lot of people will say false evidence appearing real and that is just an acronym that somebody came up with that is very clever, but it's not the definition of fear. And when I speak to clients and and part of a presentation I use when I I speak live, I will say to people, let's let's think about fear here for a second. You were to have fear in your life is fear. Is it something that happened in the past? Is it something that happens presently or it's fear based in the future and people will raise their hands and right now you have an answer and I want you out loud and you could be in your car. If you're at the office, say it under your breath. Wherever you are listening to this podcast, answer that for yourself. Is is fear in the past? Is fear something that's presently happening or is fear based in the future and everybody's gonna have a slightly different answer or variation. And then I want you to think why now I'm going to answer for all three. The thought process for all of them in the first one, is it? Well, it's in the past because something happened to me past. Let's say I don't like heights because one time I fell from something in the whole reason I had this fear is because a past event allows me to recall that previous event and therefore I have fear around that. Then there's some people will say, listen, fear is in the present because as you're feeling it, when it comes up for you, that's happening in that emotion is happening for you now. And then some people will say, well, fear, um, you know, is, is in the future.
I might duplicate that again with my own children
And there's a various number of reasons. So let's just go to the dictionary. And if anybody has a dictionary or tapping away at a computer right now while you're listening is you can just type in, define fear and what's going to pop up up for you. When you define fear, it is going to say fear is the anticipation of pain. What does that mean? If we are to anticipate something, it is something that is happening in the future, like it hasn't even happened yet. So fear if it's in the future and the future hasn't happened yet, fear doesn't even actually exist because we're anticipating. So the people who said the past, well, you know, I fell off a building and I'm scared of heights, but you're not scared of heights. You're scared of potentially falling from something. Again, if you had. My biggest fear was not being enough for my child because or my children. Why? Because my children, I, I didn't have a father. And I anticipate because of my past experience. I might duplicate that again with my own children. Somehow I wouldn't show up for them the way my father didn't show up for me. And that was my fear, is that I might not be good enough for them, but that's not something I'm feeling now. It's not because of my past. It's something that's happening in the future. I'm not going to be good enough. Let me tell you something about your kids. Kids love you unconditionally. They adore you. What they need from you is comfort. It would like a little bit of confidence in the things that you're doing so that they feel secure in parenting is a learnable skill.
And again, in a previous episode of this, I talk about Google it. If you don't know, Google it straight up, go to YouTube, find out someone who's done something and don't just Google one person because anybody can put anything out there. But if you start seeing a pattern of people saying the same things, if you're listening to this parenting podcasts, and I'm going to share something that somebody said to me something about, you know, something, faith based like, listen, don't take my word for it. Go to the Bible and interpret it yourself. So I, you know, as I tell you my experiences, I'll never going to be someone who is so egotistical to say, man, this is the way it is. This is the end all, be all. I'm going to tell you to continue to research these things and if what I say makes sense and works for you, fantastic, but not everything I will say will work for you and I'm going to tell you why, because I come from a perspective of my own experiences and my experiences as a child and an adult are different than yours. So some things may resonate and some things may not, but I'll tell you, these are the things that have worked for me and I'm happy with the results thus far with my children. So let's get back to this fear.
There's two words that really hinder people in the English language when they put them together. Usually when you put these two words together, what comes after it is not so good? People live in a world of what if, and that's a fear based word because it's the anticipation of something going wrong. Typically would. If I'm not good at it, what if I'm not enough? What if I do that? The baby gets hurt? What if I do that? My kids turn out a certain way and all of these things fear, stagnates and puts people into a state of almost like a coma where they can't do anything and all these fears stop us from actually being present and current and pouring into our children when all they want is to be loved, comforted, and I can tell you this, you should be able to be confident in feeding your child, bathing your child, playing with your child, and I did this again in the Google episode.
Go and Google it. What do I do with a one month old to stimulate it? What do I do with a 16 month old to stimulate? What do I do with a seven year old? What activities can I do at a seven year old that are fun and if you've got no clue, there's a million people on pinterest who have done certain things and I'm going to tell you this right now. Don't go on there and be like, oh my God, these things are amazing. I can't do that. Kids don't care. I draw with my son all the time. I suck at drawing, but guess what? He's really good at it and he enjoys it. Guess what? No thing I am horrible at. I didn't play these as a kid. We had no money and I and when, when I went to a friend's house, I just wasn't interested in video games.
I want to make a bow and arrow
I suck at it. Every time I get on my son's video game system, he kicks my butt and he enjoys his daddy. You're not very good at this. I said, you're right. I'm not, but are we having fun together? He's like, yeah, good. That's all I care about. So whatever they want to do, but sometimes we need to be creative with them. Sunday, all day comes to me and says, Dad, I want to make a bow and arrow because one of the video games he plays, the guy has a bone arrow. We went outside and saw a branch off a tree and tied a rope to it. He had this cool go and he's like, yeah, this is the most awesome people in the world, and I was like, you like it? He's like, yeah, can we make some arrows? We made some arrows. The funny thing about the arrows are I guess thin or things. We have an electric pencil sharpener and they'll like. They fit right in there, perfectly. The Electric Pencil sharpener and we sharpen his arrows.
Kids are simple. We complicate what it is that they need, so don't be fearful of trying something new with your kids. Don't be, oh, what if I don't make the best bone Arrow? I could've been there. I didn't have a dad. I did not create bow and arrows. I created a bone Arrow the same way my own imagination did when I was his age. I cut something off a tree and I tied a string to it and it was good enough for me when I was seven and it was awesome for him and I have to and you have to remember that their imagination is going to run wild in anything. Anything of both for him in that moment, whether it look cool or plastic, didn't matter. He just wanted a boat and we say we need to give them the perfect boat. He wanted to make a sword and shield. I have a friend who does some woodworking man. The other day we went and made the the the sword and shield. It looks phenomenal. Me and my friend wanted make it a little bit better. We wanted to paint it, we want to do this. He's like, no, I like it just the way it is. And the other day he's playing with his friends and he's got a couple of other sorts and he says, Dad, this is my favorite sword. Nobody's allowed to use this sword, the one that we made and to me, and he plays with it every single day. Mind you for the last two months, he loves this thing. It's super cool that we made it.
Oh man, that's beautiful
Is it a pretty cool sort? Absolutely. Is it. Is it better than the store bought stuff? I think so, but if you look at it, you know, his friend may have a really cool plastic one look at it and be like, Oh man, that's beautiful. Old wouldn't want to him. He made it, which makes it that much more special and we had a blast making it. Here's the thing. It didn't need to be perfect. As a matter of fact, a few things have broken on it. The tip is all doled out now because he's whacked it against so many things. It's a worn sword, but it's his and he made it. He's proud of that. Just like he is that boat and trust me, if you saw this boat, you'd be like, that's it. Every time he goes down to the garage and he walks out the garage, you looks at it. He's like, sure, I play with my boat. You play with what you want to, but he sees it and it's something he's proud of. Don't live in fear. Our kids are so simple. Don't complicate it. Don't go out there and buy them a bunch of stuff that you think is going to make you a better parent or to mask your own fears.
Kids spell love one way and it's t I m e. spend time with them and you will be rewarded time and time again and don't let your fears stop you from spending time. We'll see you in the next episode.
About the Author
Ryan Roy is the father of two boys and on a mission to be the dad he wished he had... and to help other fathers be the best they can be too.
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