EP1 – From Absolute Fear To Life Mission

Welcome to my first ever podcast!

Hey, welcome to this episode. Welcome to my first ever podcast. I Don't know Jack about parenting.

I don't know Jack about parenting says it all, I believe because I believe that that's what most parents feel about. That's the feeling they have, like I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. On top of that, it doesn't come with a manual and my recent experience of having a seven year old and a one year old, both boys is that even when I think I've figured something out, they continue to grow and give me new challenges. So it feels like on a continual basis that this guy right here just doesn't know Jack about parenting. Why do I want to start a podcast?

Well, multiple reasons. One, it's a way for me to voice my thoughts and learn and document what it is that's going on in my own parenting journey. But I am a big believer that when you share something, it gets deeper, more deeply embedded in yourself, right? If you learn something and then you teach it, uh, because when you're teaching it, it just becomes a little bit more part of who you are, part of your DNA. So it gives me the opportunity to just share my own thoughts. So allow me to introduce myself. I am Ryan Roy. I am a believer. I am a husband and I am a father. I'm also a speaker and I am at this point a bestselling author of the book called be the dead you wish you had, which is pretty exciting feat. And once you to understand a little bit about me, um, I was abandoned by my father when I was just five years old at the time.

I didn't know that I would be a 10 times more likely to abuse drugs as an adult

I really didn't know what that meant. Right. I didn't have any reaction to it. It was just my reality at the time. I didn't know, statistically speaking that I would be a 10 times more likely to abuse drugs as an adult. I didn't know that I'd be 20 times more likely to be incarcerated or go to jail as an adult. I had no clue. A plus. As, as I was growing up, I always just, I was, I was pretty social. I played sports. I was able to always find a group of boys no matter where we were. As I got into adolescence and high school, I played a lot of sports there. Uh, I was in some of the more advanced classes. Uh, I just had an eclectic group of, of guys in all facets of life. Uh, I even got in with some of the bad boys and some of the people who are doing some bad things.

Um, but because I was somewhat aware and I don't know why necessarily, um, I was able to pull myself away from some of those kids that were getting into trouble. Some of those kids who ended up abusing those drugs, some of those kids who ended up as adults getting incarcerated. I pretty much um, scathed myself. I didn't, I didn't ensure any of that pain as an adult. I was one of the lucky ones, but that didn't mean that as I got into my adult years, there was this longing to want to know who my father was, but there was this longing not only to know who he was, but to know who I was through him. So much so that because I didn't know who he was, I made a very conscious effort to not become a father myself. I was in long term relationships, women wanting to have my children and I just did not want to go there in absolute fear that I would fail as a father because I didn't have a role model and I didn't know what that looked like.

I only have a five percent chance of having children

I went through a number of years, of feeling this way. I saw friends, some family members all started to have kids, you know, grow their career. And I was like, I am not going to have that family. I'm not going to have those kids. That is not me until I was about 35 years old. I met the woman of my life and it was actually like hitting the lottery because as we started having those conversations about where we were going to be, what we wanted out of life, she shared with me that if we were going to proceed forward, you know, we're having these intense conversations, hey, you know, do you want kids? And I was like, well, you know, do you want kids? And she says, well, I, I was told that I only have a five percent chance of having children. So if that's what you want going into this, you should know that for me it was like hitting the lottery and not having to pay taxes.

I found this beautiful, amazing woman who I would not have to face my greatest fear with because she was unable according to some doctors not able to conceive. We got married in six weeks in. We got the news. She was pregnant with our first child. Now you would think that I was scared, but I really believed that I was gonna create life with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. So I was ecstatic about that. But really quickly I realized, wow, I'm going to be a dad and, and I don't know how to do this. So I started reading every article I can read on parenting. I grabbed parenting magazines, I started reading blogs. The Internet is a big part of my life, right? So I went there, I went to the bookstore and I started buying books. Like what to expect when expecting the expectant father, uh, any dad stuff I can do.

Give me one piece of advice about parenting

I started googling, oh, what does it look like to be a good dad? I remember he on Facebook and all of my high school friends, I got it into this big threat. I tagged everybody and I said, give me one piece of advice about parenting you wish somebody had given you before you had your kid. And, and I got some amazing responses, but I realized that everybody had a different parenting style. Right? Everybody had their own opinion and I'll tell you, I took some of that information and I, I held onto it and made a lot of sense to me. Some of it I threw out to be quite frank and honest with you because I'm going to tell you what my guiding light was at some point somewhere internally. I said, you know what? I don't have the tools. I don't. I looked at it as a positive. I didn't have a bad influence. It was a matter of fact. I am gonna make it my job to be the dad that I wished I had. What does that guy look like? And I literally put down lists of qualities that I thought a good dad would have. I started putting down behaviors, right? Things I can do with my children, uh, that I thought a good dad would do. I literally put in my younger self shoes and said, what did you miss out on that you wished you could have accomplished?

And I'm so excited to let you guys know. Now that I'm starting this podcast, that I'm starting a blog to go along with it. Uh, I've written a book that I have to absolutely amazing young boys and in so many times when we go out in public or so many times I, I witnessed other people parenting and, and I, I get an opportunity to either share or I get an opportunity or somebody asks your kids are so well behaved, like, what do you do? I often give them some, what I consider to be really simple common sense advice. I consider that because I've spent hours and hours and hours of time researching what it is to be a good parent. I've implemented these skills into their development and what seemed second nature to me and really common sense. The more I think about it really isn't. I've just put in the long hours and dedication to finding out what it is and making sure I implement that.

I want to share with you one story

So that brings me to why I wrote the book, Be The dad you wish you had. It's 40 powerful lessons telling you powerful lessons that if you just pick just one, just one lesson and you implement it, you're going to see a difference in your child's life. But if you were to implement all 40 over time, and these aren't things that you do just once or things that you do continually and they become part of your routine, if you implement them, I almost guarantee you without fail that you will have the blessing of well behaved, respectful children that you can entrust, will go out into the world and make you proud. I want to share with you one story. It was a big proud moment of mine. Uh, when my oldest was going into elementary school, we got invited to the elementary school to go and visit the school so that he felt comfortable in his transition.

Part of that was to go and have lunch at the cafeteria, go through the line. So he would see what that was like. You know, he grabs his milk, he grabs his tray, grabs his entree, has a choice of a fruit or a vegetable and all these different things. He goes through SSA, his name, loud and proud, right? So she could take payment that's on the account. We go through, we sit down and I remember looking around unfortunately as, as parents. Fortunately, unfortunately, whatever way you want to look at it, we tend to compare. So as we sat down and I'm helping them open his milk, I'm looking and I'm seeing other kids open their milk and I was like, oh, maybe you can open up your juice. And he tries and he can't really do it. I'm looking, I'm seeing other kids able to do this and I'm literally embarrassed as a father. I'm thinking to myself, what have I done wrong that I'm sending my four, almost five year old into the world and he can open up his carton. Let me fast forward after that. As I'm judging myself as a parents. ​

Kids were running around and pulling all of the books off the shelves

I moved forward into where at the media center, in whoever's guiding the tour, there's probably about 30 parents, meaning there's 30 kids a ages, four and five running around the media center or the library. And as we're listening intently to whoever the person is touring and explaining us about the school, uh, we quickly realized as parents that the kids were running around and unfortunately they started pulling all of the books off the shelves and making a mess in the library. I mentioned the library and going, oh, my books are on the floor. I have to re-stack these in order. So as I quickly make my way and find my son, to my surprise, to my delight, my kid and I looked around, I surveyed as best I could to my delight. My son is picking the books up and trying to put them back on the shelves. Seeing that moment, I realized that it took me four and a half, almost five years to teach him respect, to teach him respect for other things, to teach him right from wrong.

And I can teach him how to open a milk carton in just minutes or, or, or, or maybe an hour max or a couple times. Trying. See. In that moment I knew that I shouldn't be judging myself because I have instilled values into my son that were irreplaceable. At the time, and he continues to have that type of respect. Today at seven years old, I'm watching my little one, believe it or not, as I'm reading my own book, I read my own book, be the dead. You wish you had 40 power lessons. Becoming a powerful dad. I read my own book as I'm watching my one year old grow up. I'm like, what did I do with this one? I want to duplicate that. And I often go, oh, I haven't quite hit that lesson yet. Let me hit this lesson also. So what I want to do here on this podcast, as I'm starting this podcast and the book is newly out there, I'd like to offer it to each and every single one of you for free.

I believe that it's my life's mission

I hope you, uh, please subscribe to the podcast. Uh, you, you will underneath the podcast have access to other ways to listen to me or watch me a via youtube or facebook. What I want to do is I want to gift each and every single one of you a copy, not a pdf, a copy, a hard copy of my book. All I ask that you do is you pay the shipping and handling so that I can get it there, but I want to gift you a copy of the book and the reason I want to do that is because I believe that it's my life's mission at this point to impact and empower more dads to become the dad that they wish they had. And that's why I'm starting this podcast. That's why I am starting a youtube channel. That's why I have a blog going and that's why I have other books and programs that I'll be making, but this is just the start of it. So if you liked this, you know subscribe. If you really like it, share it with a dad or two or a mom or two because the principles I'm going to be teaching are universal to parents. Um, so I'm excited. Go get your free copy now at the link. BeThedadyouwishyouhad.com.

See you in the next episode.